It's Time...but, I'm Taking It Slow.

These past few years I have been taking things slow.  I realized that I was constantly taking the things that I loved and turning them into madness, and the peace and relaxation and love for the hobbies I had fell away, and became stressful.  So much so that I had gotten to the point of burnout that it took me years of recovery. 

So, as I ease into the things that once brought me so much joy, I feel a twinge of nervousness that I will fall down the spiral of cramming in as much of everything that I can in order to see products instead of enjoying the process.  This feeling lays just under the surface, that in order to prove I am good enough I must do everything, as much and as fast as possible, as if I need to prove anything at all.  How silly.  Breath, Sarah.  

If you find yourself with this feeling, breath.  Slow inhale, slow exhale.  And then do that again. 

We don't need to do anything but enjoy the process.  We don't need to prove anything to anyone.  We don't need to do anything more than breath, and enjoy.  

As I have spent time thinking about why I am like this, I realize I do this because of the way my dad is.  I didn't realize it so much until he moved in with us, but, he can't sit still.  He constantly has to be doing something, constantly cleaning, or fixing, or doing, or talking.  Peace, calm, slow, rest, these things are not part of his demeanor.  Sometimes just being around him is exhausting, but I realized that is probably a reason that I feel the need to over produce results all of the time.  

When I first started knitting I enjoyed the process.  But then it became how can I knit faster, and how many pairs of socks can I knit before the next podcast episode that I will put out next week.  How many things can I show that I have worked on in the last 7 days.  It no longer was about the enjoyment of knitting for me, I constantly had to have a goal to reach, a deadline to fight against.  

When I was dying yarn for the business it was how many colorways can I come up with before the next release, how many skeins of yarn can I dye, how many clubs can I launch.

When I was designing knitwear, it became a thing to design at least one new pattern a month, sometimes two.

Slowly, I began to dread the things I loved doing, and burned myself out...

I lost my way at one point or another and forgot the purpose all along was to enjoy myself.  To do what I loved.  

So, slowly I have begun to dip my toe back into the things that I loved, knitting, dying yarn, podcasting, blogging, journaling, reading, gardening... but not with a goal, not with a result in mind, just purely for the love of it.  To love it slow.  To relax into it and enjoy.  

Anyway, until next time, 

-Sarah